I had a lot of expectations of myself when I was a child. But then again, don’t we all. We believe what the world tells us when they say that anything is possible. We believe that we will be the president, the movie star, the doctor, because we are told that they are all attainable. We are completely unaware of how hard these things are, the amount of school we need to go through, the people we need to network with, the costs of classes, ballet school, acting coaches, degrees, and everything we must overcome to reach those dreams. That is when we start to lsoe sight of those dreams, because we realize how much work, how much effort is going to be needed by us. And poof, our childhood goals have just become mere dreams that we used to have.

I had a couple of dreams as a child. A mountain of dreams. I changed my mind as often as I changed my favorite color. Which was a lot. My main childhood dream was to be an actress. I loved the fact that you could act for a living and have people fawning over you and following you around. Something about being lazy and just smiling appealed to me. Then there was to be an astronaut. I loved the spacesuit, and be able to float with the stars and planets. Then there was a time period where I wanted to be an inventor, complete with a set of tools, goggles, and lab coat. These were my dreams. In each of those dreams, I made lots and lots of money, with little or no effort.

So what happened? I realized that getting lots of money, with no effort, is not possible, unless your the daughter of parents who worked really really hard and decided to take it easy on you. Which I don’t believe in of course. But I soon learned that to achieve those goals, would cost me a lot of work. Work that as I grew old Barnes er, looked harder, and harder. So through high school, I wasn’t a trouble maker, but I could care less about having to work hard. So instead of spending those 9AM to 4PM days at school, I spent them at & Noble, reading books, and using my lunch money to buy Chai Tea Lattes. Occasionally, whoever was my boyfriend  at the time, would pick me up and we would go hang out for the day, but I loved being by myself most of the time. Just me, my books, and my latte. I let all my dreams and goals pass me by, as I let all the hard work that was ahead of me pass me by as well.

So what now? If you’ve read any of my last posts, you know I’m not an actress. At least I’m not getting paid for doing that. I’m not an astronaut, or an inventor either. I let my childhood dreams go. Why? Because I had put myself in a position where they were no longer attainable. What did happen though, as I got older, I discovered the things I really liked doing. My days spent where I should of been learning academically, where spent learning about literature, writing, and getting closer to authors. My forgotten childhood dreams died, but as I discovered my talents, I let new dreams form.

As I write more and more about living the life I want to live, dreaming about where I want my future to go, I can’t help but look back at the dreams  I use to once have, the dreams that my child already has (being a princess) and I think to myself, that she can be whatever she wants to be. We all had childhood dreams, but the reality is, those dreams change as we grow older, and discovering more about yourself, you may realize how much bigger your new dreams really are.

What did you dream about as a child? What has changed?

But yes, back to the question that has been going on in our house. That question is “Why even GO to high school??!” Now imagine a 16 year old girl saying that. That would be my sister. My all knowing, AP Honor class taking, tennis champ sister, asking me, and perhaps the world, “Why even go to high school!?”.

Why does she ask this question you say? Well I was doing some of my assignments in her room, and she was astonished by my lab assignment.

“Scientific Method? Guess the hypothesis? Probability? This is all stuff I learned 2 years ago!” 

Mind you that this is an Intro to Biology Class, a course for non-science majors, the only science needed for an English degree (do you catch how I’m trying to defend my class), but she was astonished that the material I was reading was stuff she had already done and was doing right now. She took a look at my Computer Class project, and again she exclaimed,

“Are you serious?? Make a flyer Word!?” 

Granted, that was a little too easy, I’ve been doing that since I first logged onto Windows 95, but to her it was unfathomable.

My sister has always been a big studier and is quick to learn everything, and as I reviewed my assignments, I did start to think about it. Why even go to high school? I mean that’s ridiculous question, what I mean is why not start college early and earn credit at the same time? That is what AP classes are for in high school, the classes that my sister is in, and that is why things looked all too familiar to her.

After a couple of years of school, I’ve also noticed how repetitive and how actually unnecessary some of my classes have been. Sure the “knowledge” is irreplaceable, but I have walked away from a class with a perfectly good grade, and not retaining a thing. I think that’s one of the reasons why most people don’t finish college. A lot of the classes seem unrelatable to the degree they are actually seeking, and seem like a waste of time.

So I finished my modest assignments in her room, as she huffed and puffed through reading the rest of Macbeth for her English class. Nodding her head, and ticking her tongue at how easy I had it. I knew most of these assignments were silly, but if it will get me my English degree, I think it’s okay to suffer through a couple of more easy A’s…

1. The more artificial plants and trees you have in your house, the classier it really is.

2. When the sign in the store says Buy One, Get One, you better buy 3 and demand the 3 free. Even if it says the offer is only good for one. And you’ll win.

3. Smile at everyone you see. Talk to everyone you see. Leave a good impression every place you leave.

4. Have many purses. Love few.

5. Eggs gives you beautiful eyes. So does fish, rice, cereal, tomatoes, onions, cheese, garlic, broccoli…..

6. Perfume alone doesn’t cut it. What’s the point of perfume if your breath smells horrid. Invest in a good toothpaste and mouthwash, then buy the perfume.

7. Have respect for your elders. Even if you are wrong.

8. You have to wear heels because your a girl. Girls shouldn’t have flat feet.

9. America is one of the few places where you can get your education by unlimited means. Go to school all the way and get your doctorates. In anything.

10. No matter what … Family is always first.

I dread tomorrow. I am sitting here at my desk, staring at my open planner seeing tomorrow highlighted “Catch Up Day.” Usually, my Catch Up days are Mondays, and I use that time to pay bills, do laundry, schedule everything for the week, send out all the e-mails from the weekend, anything of that nature. As I stare at these yellow highlighted pages, I know that tomorrow’s catch up day isn’t as easy and care free as they usually are. Especially since this catch up day lands on a Friday.

Tomorrow is “sort through Truly’s room, throw away toys and clothes, clean the bathroom, do ALL schoolwork, finish training for job, write some more articles ….” Trust me, you don’t want to know the rest of the list. Trust.

I’m not complaining though, I’m glad to finally get all the things done that have been looming over me for the past week, but why I put them all off to the last possible minute, I will never know. I’m so easily distracted it’s hard to get things done, or at least the things I don’t really want to do, because we all know if “Go out and buy some ice cream” where on the to-do list, versus “sorting through the dreaded toybox,” we all would gladly choose the ice cream. Or maybe that’s just me.

So as my Trulybear is falling asleep, I am wishing on the brightest star that tomorrow takes it’s time getting here …. but then again, I can always erase my Catch Up Day, it was written in pencil ….

It’s sad to realize that my toddler controls me. Just the thought of it makes me uneasy. If she controls me now, how will things be when she’s a teenager. *shutter*

I’ve sadly decided that with this new baby due at the end of May that I seriously need to put Truly on a schedule. Not a strict regime stating when I scratch her nose, but at least a set time to wake up in the morning. For her it varies from 11am or 12pm. Then she won’t get to bed until midnight or later since she’ll take a nap around 5pm, plus she ends up asking to eat at all different times: 2pm, 5pm, and then around 11pm! Then during the day, she bounces around the house, strung out on no sleep, surviving on chocolate. So my daughter is all out of whack! Why? Because I give into her. Do I like that last sentece I just wrote? Of course not.

So by “schedules” I mean wake up at a certain time, maybe 7ish? Take her nap accordingly and be in bed by 8pm. Writing that out is so weird because I can’t remeber a time m little one was in bed before 10pm! Also my goal is to fill in her elaborate TV schedule with actual activities, coloring, painting, reading, and writing. That way, her day is more meaningful, for both of us. While I’m working, she’s working as well.

Sure, toss the bad mom award this way, it wouldn’t be my first.

As I stare at my piled up textbooks and email inboxes I realize something must be done about organizing our crazy day.

How do/did you handle your children being home? Can you tell I’m desperate for advice?

I don’t know what it is but this thing called insomnia has had a grip on me for the past week. Maybe it’s just the busy-ness of launching the Lady Bloggers Society, school starting up for me again this semester, and this baby inside of me somersaulting all over the place, but lately I’ve been one mess of a mommy.

It could be though that I’m not sleeping because I have a lot on my mind. I never like to get too personal on my blog, but to be quite honest, I’ve been battling back and forth with these awful things called my emotions. I could blame the pregnancy if I wanted, oh could I blame the pregnancy, but my mind has been a constant wanderer, taking my heart with it. To make an extremely long story short, I’ve been battling with who I am, who I want to be, who I want with me, and who I should share my life with. I’ve had to make some decisions, important decisions, and dealing with second guessing myself. Let me tell you if you don’t already know, not being sure of yourself … sucks. What makes it harder is also that now as a mom, whatever choices you make will affect your children: whether it’s letting someone into your life, letting someone out, changing a job, or even packing up and moving. Your choices are really no longer your choices.

So I lay awake, hour after hour, mostly using my time productively, but other times staring into space, questioning myself. I guess my conclusion is that even the wrong decisions can be the right ones. I know it sounds all twisted and backwards and it didn’t make sense to me at first either, but think about it … even when you make the wrong decision, the right one will come in time, and what you took away was a lesson learned. So why torture yourself, and beat yourself up over wondering if you made the right choice or not, and just live and let live. Now if I could just convince myself to believe this, I should be ok.

My mind has been wandering and I sit here on my bed and try to settle my mind enough to fall asleep. I sit here telling myself to keep listening to my heart, trust my choices, and give time a chance to work it’s magic.

Why I don’t work at my desk:

1. The space. My desk is in Truly’s room. There is no other place for it. One look at the crowded desk makes me unplug my charger and head towards the dining room table.

2. It’s white. And smooth. Kind of like a “princess” desk. Even when I’m sitting at it, I can’t take myself seriously.

3. I can’t swivel my chair. I have an awesome little black chair that has the ability to swivel, if it had space. So going back to reason number one, I can’t work at my desk because of the limited space. My chair is inbetween the desk and a file cabinet, along with computer bags and more files around.

4. Distraction with books. I have a long row of books that I’ve never finished reading, or never even opened. Everytime I take a seat, I’m reminded of my failures

5. Truly’s TV is 3 feet away. It’s hard to get anything done, when your hearing Scooby Doo and the gang screaming Jinkies, accompanied by a 2 year old girl screaming “Mommy! Jinkies!”

Thank god for the laptop.

My Truly woke up this morning to this!

And now I smell like sausage and pancakes! Oh well at least she was happy!

How does your family spend Valentines Day?